Saturday, July 12, 2008

Attack of the Killer Lawn Mower Explained

Once upon a time, not so long ago a man decided to help his father conquer the overgrown wilderness surrounding the father's humble abode. The man was quite excited about driving his father's new mechanical grass slayer (otherwise known as a new zero-turn lawn mower). While sitting astride the grass eating beast, he placed his cell phone and keys inside the pocket of his beautiful wife. Unfortunately, the man's beautiful wife, had a squirming one-year-old on her hip, struggling to get to his daddy, who was preparing to begin the journey through the Wilds of Lawn. Somehow in the scuffle of getting the squirming one-year-old into the house, the keys fell out of her pocket, and, alas! She did not notice.

As the man learned to maneuver the mechanical grass slayer around trees and bushes, he became quite skilled at getting the beast to go where the man directed. Or so he thought. As the man was cruising along, suddenly, he spied his keys on the ground! His reflexes were not fast enough, and much to the man's chagrin, the beast gobbled up the keys and spit them out! Fortunately, the beast's swiftly moving blades were not damaged, but the same can not be said for the man's keys. When the keys were finally found, twenty feet away from where they and been lying (GO INSIDE WHEN LAWN MOWERS ARE RUNNING IN YOUR YARD--the keys went really far!), they were mangled almost beyond recognition, and the magic keyless entry thingy which had been brutally ripped into many pieces, was dead!

For reasons unknown, the man only received one key when he purchased his vehicle a few months before. In this age of anti-theft devices and security chips in keys, no copies had been yet made, because the man and his wife were too cheap. For a while, it looked as if the man was going to have to call a tow truck to take the vehicle to a dealership to have new keys made. It was looking quite tragic (and costly)! Then the man's father came to the rescue with his magical key straightening vice, and he fixed the poor, mangled key. The beautiful wife was afraid that the newly straighted key would somehow get stuck in the ignition and they would have an even bigger problem, but hooray! That didn't happen. The key was straighted, it actually worked (even though the Ford people said it wouldn't), and the man didn't have to call a tow truck. He did, however, go purchase two new keys first thing in the morning just in case the mechanical grass slayer got hungry for the metallic taste of keys again.

The moral of this story is go put your keys away yourself instead of sticking them in your wife's pocket, okay, John?

Or, don't be in yards when people are lawn mowing, because we really did find the key a long ways from the mower! Had it hit anyone, it could have been really bad!

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