Thursday, March 20, 2008

My Mom Gave Me to Aliens!

Even though I'm quite infatuated with him, I guess not every post can be about Colter. However, Since Colter has been keeping me extremely busy lately (he's cruising around everything and I have to keep him from bumping his head if he's going to make it to toddler hood with any brain cells--he needs a helmet!), I haven't really written anything. I'm going to cheat and post part of a memoir I had to write in college. It depicts my wonderfully trusting personality well.

My Alien Experience

I have always been gullible—no, not gullible—trusting. I typically don’t lie to people, so no matter how many times I’ve been deceived, I naively don’t expect others to lie to me. I don’t know why I usually trust people, especially since my mother has always made a habit of lying to me (she has always called it teasing).

One evening as my mother sliced steak for dinner, she casually informed me that aliens were on their way across the pasture to come and get me to take me to Mars with them. At first I didn’t believe her. You see, even though I knew aliens were real, they had to come from the sky in a flying saucer, so Mommy had to be kidding. She was, after all, always trying to get my siblings and I to believe something silly. Why, just the day before she said she had called Mr. Monster to come and get Chance (my younger brother) because he was being naughty. He believed her, started crying, and promised to be good, but I picked up the other phone and listened. There was no monster on the line, just a lady saying, “If you would like to make a call, please hang up and try again.”

“There aren’t any aliens coming, Mommy.”

“Are you sure about that? I saw on the news that people have been spotting U.F.O.s around here. I’m sure I saw one in the pasture.” My mom convincingly claimed. “You had better go check.”

Well…I didn’t think it would hurt anything to check outside, just in case. Mommy had seen it on the news, so there had to be some aliens close by. The news people seemed to know what there were talking about after all. I walked out of the kitchen and looked through the screen door. I gazed outside, but it was too dark to see anything. It was late fall and the sun had already went down. I stepped out on the porch and peered across our yard and examined the pasture. I didn’t see anything, but I heard a curious rumbling in the distance. As I stared at the pasture to assure myself I was not going to Mars, I saw a pale light peeking out from behind a hill. The light started growing brighter and brighter and seemed to get closer and closer until suddenly, there it was! A U.F.O. with all lights aglow popped over the top of the hill and was headed towards our house. It was huge! There were lights everywhere. Five white beams of light were pointing in my direction and the U.F.O. was outlined in red and orange smaller lights. It was getting closer to my safe place on the porch every second. I dashed into the house in tears and begged Mom to tell me where to hide. She told me to go pack in case the aliens would let me bring any toys for the trip. I cried desperately and clung to her legs pleading for her to stop chopping potatoes and save me from the aliens, but she paid little notice to my hysterics.

“I wonder if they’ll stay for dinner. Do aliens like steak and potatoes?” she questioned. “I hope they let you eat before heading to Mars.”

“I don’t want to go with the Martians, Momma!” I sobbed.

“Do you think they’ll take you shopping for a spacesuit, or should I try to come up with something real quick? You could probably fit this fishbowl on your head.”

“Mommy!” screaming now. “I don’t wanna go!”

“Oh…well, it’s too late. I think they’re already in the yard.”

“AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” I quickly dove under the table.

I heard their forbidding steps on the porch. The door opened. The Martian marched across the floor right past my hiding spot under the table. It walked towards Mommy who stupidly yelled at it to take off its muddy boots. You can’t talk to Martians like that! What if it has a ray gun? I peeked out from under the table and saw the Martian’s feet standing right next to Mommy. What was it doing to her? Was it going to zap her with some sort of death beam because she tried to tell it what to do? I had to know. I slowly lifted up the tablecloth preparing to run away as fast as my legs would carry me when I saw…not an alien, but Daddy! I could always count on Daddy to protect me. I dashed out from under the table and grabbed Daddy to tell him about the horrifying trip I was about to take, but he just laughed. Instead of getting out his shotguns and rifles to defend his little girl, he took me outside and showed me that the U.F.O. was just a tractor. My mother has an interesting sense of humor.

P.S. I do have a bit of Colter news if you made it this far. He had his nine-month check-up yesterday. He's 20 lbs 4 oz. and 29 inches long. He's growing fast!


Sarah Boyd said...

Thanks for sharing your writing. It brought a much needed smile this morning!

Rachel said...

Love your story - don't think I had heard that one before, but it definitely sounds like something your mom would have done :)

Leesa said...

Besides being gullible, you are VERY melodramatic! Plus you tend to exaggerate.. it was funny though :)

Love Mom, the liar. :)